Thursday, November 6, 2014

"Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over"

A few weeks back something life altering happened to me. I was arguing with a loved one and they called me out on the fact that I don't always handle my emotions the best way. They said I tend to hide my true feelings and oftentimes replace them with anger. They demanded to know what was going on with me and finally I broke down. Everything I had been thinking and feeling all poured literally out of me in that moment. They explained how they couldn't understand my purpose for not sharing my internal struggles. No one understands was my exact response.
One of the hardest things I deal with is not being understood. It's so frustrating. Honestly I'm NOT a very open person but when I do let my guard down people aren't always receptive of my truth since often times, they just don't get it. In fairness to them, I sometimes process things in a zigzag type format (one minute I'm here then the next I'm there lol) but when you've done it for so long, its hard to come out of that.
After the fall out,I began to think about all the times and life I hid my true feelings; not only from others but also for myself. As the days went past I allowed myself to "feel what I feel" if that makes sense. It was far from easy. Releasing years and years of suppressed feelings is very exhausting, overwhelming, and also painful. Before now I wasn't concerned about these things since I always thought, with time, everyone eventually gets over the bad thats happen to them. As my life constantly changes, I've just simply focus on the most important issues at the time and all the others got stuck in a mental junk drawer. Over the years more and more unresolved problems got added to that drawer which in turn pushed all the others to the back. When we finally take the time to sort through the drawer we find things we forgot we even had and realize we don't know where to start. That's exactly where I was when I stumbled on John F. Westfall's "Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over". After reading only a couple of sample pages, all the things I had thought, said, and felt were right at my fingertips. I have been who I am for far too long. I always say that I'm a work in progress but I honestly haven't been making much progress. I can't focus on that lack of progress so I have to move forward and focus on who I want to be. I can no longer give the people I love the backlash of my pain. I've been using my past as a crutch and as an excuse and it has held me hostage for many years. I break those chains right now. I will continue to read this and apply this to my life, with high hopes and faith for my healing. In spite of any who may doubt me, I have to keep pushing and trust that even if I don't get everything I need from this book, it WILL be a gateway to even greater things for my life. It can sometimes hurt when people don't see your efforts. You feel like your actions are in vain and you want the hope you possess in yourself to trickle down to those closest to you. It doesn't always happen that way so I guess the best way for me to handle this is to take responsibility for the mistakes I've made, the trust I've broken, and all the times I've let the people I love down. It's not about proving people right or wrong but it IS about pleasing God. I have to do this by living life like God is my only critic.

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