Trust Issues

This entry has taken far too long to write. I honestly feel like its a slap in God's face that I've taken as long as I have. In my Intro, I said that I believed that God called me to do this and that still stands but what I've been trying to figure out is How do you uplift other's when you are so torn down? My life, over the last few months, has made a complete 180 degree turn in a totally different direction. It was like a massive earthquake and the aftershocks lasted for what seemed like an eternity. I decided, in the beginning, I wouldn't allow it to overtake me so I began to write at least one positive thing, each day, that would carry me to the next. That lasted a total of 8 consecutive days and looked something like this:

Day 1: Focus on the best things about each day. Even the worst days are filled with hidden blessings.

Day 2: Though I may be deeply wounded, I will never be broken.

Day 3: One day at a time, sweet Jesus, is all I'm asking of you. Lord, for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time. (For those of you that haven't figured out yet, this is a song, and not my own words. This particular day, the pain was so intense, all I could think of were hymns lol)

Day 4: Appreciate the people in your corner urging you to get up and keep fighting.

Day 5: Own your feelings but don't overindulge in them. If they mean good things, keep them; if not, pray that God separates you from your own heart/head and continue to follow him.

Day 6: Everything is working together for my good. This is my season to reap what I have sewn. (more lyrics lol)

Day 7: Be strong; stay focused

Day 8: Receive his mercy and allow yourself to be filled with his peace. Then he will answer.

I attempted a comeback of sorts on day 15:

Day 15: There will be moments when you feel the whole world is against you.

Day 16: Things do get better.

Then, nothing. Well that's not altogether true. In the weeks following, I wrote a few poems describing my ordeal and the feelings that came of it. They seemed kinda dark to those around me but to me they were just how I felt. The idea of sharing them came to mind but I didn't know how to in a way that would be encouraging, so I passed on that.

I began to go through the stages of grief but they came in not exact order; just randomly jumping around from one feeling to the next everyday. I knew my faith was being tested but I didn't know how to hold on to it. Many vices became so tempting and I fell into a few but the guilt and shame made the pleasures short lived. I had a strong desire to numb myself; to replace the pain with anything. Stronger than that desire was my desire to hold on to self. I knew that if I became more reckless, I would eventually lose myself completely. In spite of my confusion, I continued to pray but those prayers seemed to go unanswered. I felt as if God had given up on me and if I was honest with myself, I couldn't blame him. I was at the end of my own rope. Right on the border of living and just being. One day I was cleaning up and listening to worship music and I came across a song from The Fighting Temptations(oh the irony lol) soundtrack. The lyrics said "I ain't good enough but he still loves me." Tears began to fall down my face and began to give him thanks. My favorite scripture popped into my head:

James 1:2-4 (NIV)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

The entire time, I had been praying for the pain to stop and for an answer but God had already answered. This was a test of my faith, that must be taken, but i wasn't alone. He would guide me through; I only needed to trust him. In that moment, I released that pain and gave it all to him. I no longer wanted to hold on to self. I wanted to let go and allow him to take over completely; to become less, if not none, of who I was and allow him to mold me into someone new. I know this fight is not over but I refuse to waste time worrying about when it will end. I don't know what's coming around the corner, but with my God, I'm ready for anything!!! I pray that this blesses all who have or are going through their own personal struggles. Just trust him!!